Can You Have Five Best Friends?

• Friendship is supposed to make school life happier, not feel like a daily episode of a TV serial!
• Tutu finds herself caught between two friends who constantly expect her to take sides.
• Here’s how she can keep her friendships without losing her peace of mind - or herself.

Dear Uncle,
I am a 9th-standard girl from Ahmedabad, and I really need your advice. I am an ambivert and love being part of a big group. I have five best friends, but one of them, Jiya, believes that a person can have only two best friends. We often argue about this.
Initially, I was afraid to disagree with Jiya because I had once been left out by my tuition friends, and it made me very unhappy. So, I often went along with what she wanted, even when I felt she was wrong. Then I became friends with Bhavya, who is very straightforward and believes that I should stand up for myself.
That is where the trouble began.
Whenever I take a stand, Jiya says, “You have changed!” She usually has two other girls, Jayinee and Hirva, supporting her, even when I feel she is wrong. They sometimes talk about Bhavya behind her back, but don't say those things to her face. Bhavya, on the other hand, encourages me to speak up for myself.
Now I feel completely stuck between them. Whenever Jiya is happy with me, Bhavya gets upset. And whenever Bhavya is happy with me, Jiya becomes angry. I feel that Bhavya is often right, but I also need some time to become confident enough to stand up for myself.
I don't want to lose either friendship, so I keep trying to make everyone happy. But honestly, it is exhausting!
Things are already difficult at home. My parents are divorced, and there are frequent arguments in my family over small things. I often go out with my friends to relax, but even there I end up dealing with fights.
I feel tired, confused and guilty. I pray to Krishna for guidance, but I don't always understand the signs I feel I am getting.
Please tell me what I should do. I don't want to lose my friends, but I also don't want to keep pretending that everything is fine.
I really need some help!

• Tutu

Dear Tutu,
First of all, take a deep breath. And let me tell you something very important:
There is no Friendship Constitution that says a person can have only two best friends!
You can have one best friend, two best friends, five best friends - or a whole gang of people you feel close to. Friendship isn't mathematics. You don't have to divide your heart into equal portions and announce, “Jiya gets 40 per cent, Bhavya gets 40 per cent, and the remaining 20 per cent is reserved for emergencies!”
So, your first job is to stop worrying about how many best friends you are allowed to have.
Your bigger problem is something else: you are trying too hard to keep everybody happy.
And, Tutu, that is a tiring full-time job!
Imagine you are playing badminton and three people keep telling you where to hit every shot. “Hit left!” “No, right!” “No, don't hit at all!” You would probably throw the racket away! That's more or less what is happening with you.
Jiya is allowed to have her opinion about friendship. But she cannot decide who you are allowed to be friends with.
And Bhavya may be encouraging you to stand up for yourself, which is good. But even Bhavya cannot decide everything for you. Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions.
There is an important difference between standing up for yourself and taking sides.
You don't have to tell Jiya, “Bhavya is right and you are wrong.”
You can simply say:
“Jiya, you are my friend and Bhavya is also my friend. I don't want to choose between you. If I disagree with you sometimes, it doesn't mean I have stopped being your friend.”
That's a perfectly reasonable thing to say.
And when Jiya says, “You have changed!”, don't panic. You probably have changed a little. And that's not necessarily a bad thing!
You are growing up. Your opinions are changing. Your confidence is developing. Yesterday you may have remained silent because you were afraid of losing a friend. Today you may be learning to say, “Actually, I don't agree.”
That's called growing up, not betrayal.
However, there is one thing I want you to watch carefully. You mentioned that some of your friends talk about Bhavya behind her back. Try not to become part of that game.
Don't carry messages from one friend to another. Don't become the friendship postman!
If Jiya has a problem with Bhavya, let Jiya deal with Bhavya. If Bhavya has a problem with Jiya, let Bhavya deal with Jiya. You don't have to become the referee in every match.
And here's another important point: you don't have to solve every disagreement immediately.
You said you need time to become brave enough to stand up for yourself. That's completely okay. Courage doesn't arrive like a pizza delivery - ding-dong, one large courage, extra cheese! ??
You can practise it slowly.
Start with small things. If you disagree, say, “I don't think so.” If somebody pressures you, say, “I'll decide for myself.” You don't need a dramatic speech every time.
And Tutu, please don't feel guilty whenever someone becomes upset with you.
Someone being unhappy with your decision does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
This is particularly important because you already have a lot going on at home. Your parents' divorce and constant family arguments can make you crave peace outside the house. So naturally, you want your friends to remain happy with you. But remember: you cannot create peace by constantly sacrificing your own peace.
You mentioned praying to Krishna for signs. Here's a thought: perhaps you don't always need a mysterious sign. Sometimes the answer is sitting quietly inside you.
Ask yourself three simple questions:
Am I being honest?
Am I being kind?
Am I being fair to myself?
If the answer to all three is yes, you are probably doing just fine.
And one final piece of advice: don't measure friendship by how much time you spend together or whether someone calls you their “best friend”. Measure it by something much simpler:
Can I be myself around this person? Can we disagree without becoming enemies? Do we respect each other's choices?
Those are the friendships worth keeping.
So, Tutu, don't choose between Jiya and Bhavya.
Choose honesty. Choose kindness. Choose your own voice.
And remember: you don't have to keep five friends happy every minute of every day. You're their friend - not their customer-care department! ??
Give yourself permission to grow, make mistakes, learn to say no and occasionally let your friends be annoyed with you.
The real ones will still be there tomorrow.

• Love,
  Uncle Fix-It