My Teen Ignores Me! Now What?

• Tell Me
• What to Do!
• Your child is growing up - and suddenly, the chatty little person who once told you everything has been replaced by someone whose favourite answers are "Fine", "Nice" and "I don't know"!
• Add misplaced shoes, schoolbags and clothes, and parenting a teenager can sometimes feel like managing a very small, very stubborn tornado. So how can parents stay connected without turning every conversation into an instruction, reminder or mini-lecture?

Dear Uncle Fix It,
I have been reading the solutions you give to children in the Zagmag edition, and I now need some advice myself!
I am a parent of a 13-year-old, and I would love some creative and practical tips for mindful parenting during the teenage years.
My child has recently become quite indifferent to the instructions we give him. He struggles to keep his belongings in their proper place - his schoolbag, clothes, shoes and other things are often left wherever he happens to be!
Earlier, I used to remind him repeatedly: "Put this away", "Keep that in its place", "Don't leave your things there." But I have stopped doing that so often because I feel the constant reminders are creating distance between us. Sometimes I even feel that he ignores us deliberately!
My bigger concern, however, is that he doesn't seem interested in sharing anything with us.
I try to start conversations by asking questions such as, "How was your day at school?" or "What did you play with your friends?"
His answer is almost always the same: "Nice." "Fine." "Don't know."
That's it!
I really want him to talk to us, share his feelings and tell us what is happening in his life. How can I change the way I communicate with him so that he feels comfortable opening up to us?
Regards,
Ami Mehta

Dear Ami,
First, let me reassure you about something: your son is not necessarily becoming distant from you. He may simply be becoming a teenager!
At 13, children are entering a fascinating stage of life. They want more independence, but they still need their parents. They may want privacy but also secretly want to know that Mum and Dad are there when needed.
So, welcome to the wonderful world of "I can do it myself!" followed five minutes later by "Where is my stuff?"
Let's tackle your two problems separately.
Problem No. 1: The Great Messy-Room Mystery
Repeated reminders rarely work with teenagers. In fact, after hearing "Keep your shoes there!" for the 47th time, the teenage brain may simply develop a highly advanced Reminder-Blocking System!
Instead of reminding him about everything, create two or three simple household rules.
For example:
Shoes - shoe rack.
Schoolbag - study area.
Dirty clothes - laundry basket.
That's it.
Don't turn every misplaced sock into a national emergency.
You could even make it a game: "The Two-Minute Reset." Every evening, he gets two minutes to return things to their proper places. Put on a fun song and see whether he can finish before the song ends.
And here's an important trick: let natural consequences do some of the teaching.
If he leaves his schoolbag somewhere and then cannot find his notebook in the morning, resist the temptation to immediately rescue him. Let him experience the small consequence of his own disorganisation.
The message becomes: "I trust you to manage your things", rather than "I have to manage your things."
That's a much more powerful message for a teenager.
And remember: a messy room is not necessarily a sign of a messy mind, a bad child or bad parenting. Teach the habit, set reasonable expectations and don't make every little mess a battle.
Problem No. 2: The Mysterious Case of "Fine"
Now we come to the more important issue.
When you ask, "How was your day?", you may be asking one question.
But your son may hear:
"Give me a full report of everything that happened between 8:00 a.m. and 3:30 p.m."
Naturally, the teenager chooses the shortest possible answer:
"Fine."
So try changing the questions.
Instead of asking broad questions such as:
"How was school?"
try something more specific:
"What was the funniest thing that happened today?"
Or:
"Who made you laugh today?"
Or:
"Which teacher said something strange today?"
Or even:
"If you could delete one period from today's timetable, which one would you delete?"
Suddenly, you are not conducting an interview. You are having a conversation.
And here's another secret: don't always make the conversation about him.
Tell him something about your own day.
"Something really funny happened at work today…"
Then stop.
He may say, "What?"
Congratulations! You have opened the door.
Teenagers sometimes talk more when they don't feel that they are being questioned.
You can also try talking while doing something together - going for a drive, having ice cream, walking, cooking, playing a game or even watching something funny. Looking directly at a parent sitting across the table can sometimes feel like an interrogation to a 13-year-old. Side-by-side conversations can feel much easier.
And one golden rule:
When he finally starts talking, don't immediately turn into a teacher.
If he tells you something, resist the urge to say:
"See! I told you…"
"You should have…"
"Why did you do that?"
"Next time, you must…"
Sometimes he may simply want you to listen.
You don't always have to fix the problem. Sometimes you just need to say:
"Oh! That sounds tough."
or
"I can understand why you felt like that."
or even:
"Tell me more."
Those three words can work like magic.
Most importantly, Ami, don't measure your relationship by how much your teenager talks. Measure it by whether he knows he can come to you when he really needs you.
Keep the door open.
Keep the judgement low.
Keep the lectures short.
And keep showing interest - even when the answer is "Fine."
Because one day, quite unexpectedly, your teenager may walk into the room and start telling you a 20-minute story about something that happened at school.
When that happens, put your phone down. Cancel the lecture. Forget the laundry.
Listen.
That's the moment you've been waiting for.
And remember the most useful parenting rule of all:
Connection before correction.
First build the bridge. Then, when necessary, tell him where the shoes belong!

• Uncle Fix It